As has never been my tradition, I planned this week to open up my e-mail inbox and answer questions from readers.

Q: So what happened?

A: I forgot that I don’t get e-mails.

Q: Well, don’t you always have your e-mail address at the bottom of these things?

A: Yeah, but it’s pretty much worthless. I don’t think anybody ever gets to the end.

Q: So instead you’re doing a question-and-answer column with yourself?

A: Yup. Pathetic, I know. I feel like a bigger slimeball than Roger Lodge.

Q: Couldn’t you have possibly come up with something better?

A: Well, all the other gimmicks have already been taken. Song lyrics. Crossword puzzles. Those lame crystal-ball parody seasons that everyone likes to make up.

Q: What about something that’s actually, uh, sports related?

A: See, that’s the thing. I’d planned to write a big piece about the Syracuse football team. A nice, old-fashioned rip job. Then something messed it all up.

Q: What’s that?

A: The team actually won.

Q: Man, it’s just one game. You’ve gotta lay off them for a bit. OK, OK, let’s get off the subject. So, I understand you went to Coach P’s press conference yesterday afternoon.

A: Hey, that’s not a question! Play by the rules, damnit. There’s a reason for that stinkin’ ‘Q’ by your sentences.

Q: Sorry, sorry. Good point. I’ll try again. So, did you learn anything from listening to Coach?

A: Oh yeah, plenty. He talked about the big win Saturday. He gave a little report on the next game.

Q: Yeah? And what does Coach P think about the Louisville offense?

A: ‘Very good,’ he said. ‘Excellent. Very, very good. They’re a very good team.’

Q: What does he think of the team’s quarterback?

A: ‘Excellent.’

Q: What does he think of the team’s running back?

A: ‘Very good.’

Q: What do you think about Coach P’s scouting report?

A: Excellent. Very, very comprehensive.

Q: Wow. I didn’t know a press conference could be so enthralling. Did you happen to notice any other tidbits of interest?

A: Yes, in fact. I have some good news to report.

Q: What’s that?

A: Syracuse doesn’t have a coffee machine in its team cafeteria.

Q: And that’s good … why?

A: Well, the NCAA’s been cracking down lately. If a player’s urine is found to contain too much caffeine, he could be in trouble.

Q: Like, how much trouble?

A: Depends on the amount. If the drug test turns up more than 15 micrograms/ml, it counts as a banned drug by the NCAA.

Q: Yikes. If you’re an athlete who really enjoys iced coffees, do you have reason to worry?

A: Yes. You are indeed in danger. Do you know how small a milliliter is?

Q: No, do you?

A: No idea. But it sure sounds small.

Q: So why aren’t more people aware of this?

A: Thankfully, I think people are slowly becoming educated. I read in TV Guide that the next episode of ESPN’s ‘Playmakers’ features a quarterback who’s been making a few too many trips to Starbucks.

Q: Then again, he wouldn’t be the only football player in trouble, would he?

A: No, definitely not. Rod Rutherford – he’s Pittsburgh’s senior quarterback – recently got slapped with two misdemeanors for an incident with a 19-year-old girl outside a bar called Philthy McNasty’s.

Q: Sounds really classy. Think it would be a good idea if we found a couple chicks and went to that place?

A: Dude, we’re the same person. That’s a tough way to double date.

Q: So what’s your take on the whole Rutherford thing?

A: Well, his coach only punished him by sitting him on the bench for one quarter in a game against Kent State.

Q: As in, Kent Read, Kent Write, Kent State?

A: Exactly. Anyway, before you interrupted me, I was just going to say something nice about Coach P.

Q: What’s that?

A: I’m pretty sure he would have given a player who did that the proper punishment.

Q: So in other words, he’s not softer than fondue?

A: Right, exactly. I give him props for that. He gives out the discipline when it’s warranted.

Q: Think he’s gonna be happy that a little student reporter is giving him kudos?

A: No. I’m sure if he ever started reading this column to begin with, he certainly didn’t get to the end of it.

Q: But that’s OK, right?

A: Totally. He did himself a favor, actually. This effort of mine wasn’t ‘very, very good.’

Chico Harlan is a staff writer for The Daily Orange, where his columns appear each Tuesday. E-mail him at apharlan@syr.edu.

Published on September 8, 2003 at 12:00 pm