That’s a stupid question, manifold athletes have suggested to maniwrinkled sportswriters. In four years at The Daily Orange, I’ve interviewed hundreds of people – including many coaches and athletes who think I’m nastier than a buttered popcorn jelly bean. And based on empirical evidence, almost all of them think my questions are stupid.

To that end, I’ve learned, too late for embarrassment, that the Syracuse men’s lacrosse team does not play in the Big East; it’s independent. I’ve learned that crew is for guys and rowing is for girls. I’ve learned, in short, that even the tamest question can inspire ghastly verbal hemorrhaging.

‘What did you do over the All-Star Break?’ I chirped to a professional baseball player this summer.

He stared at me. Our small talk was over. ‘I played in the game,’ he said, glaring.

Oops.

So today, in my last ever weekly column for this paper, I’m here to thank those who can get around the insensible negativity and ostensible stupidity; those who still manage to have some fun with the hardscrabbling sportswriters who cover them; those who make this little job of mine a never-ending animation of laughs and adventures.

Nothing amuses me quite like unintentional humor. And rest assured, when Syracuse field hockey coach Kathleen Parker inspires laughter, as she almost always does, it’s never on purpose. Two years ago, I asked Parker if she felt her team, preseason favorites to win the conference, relished its status as the top dog. ‘I don’t think there is a top dog,’ she said, quickly dismissing my idea. ‘That is just a poll. That doesn’t mean we are the top dog or whoever was ranked last in the poll is the bottom dog. There haven’t been any Big East games yet, so as far as I’m concerned, there is no dog.’

During my freshman year, I covered my first beat, the SU softball team. They were almost as miserable as my writing. Following a weekend doubleheader in which the feeble Orangewomen batted a combined .054, I wrote that ‘Bob Dole is more potent than this offense. And, unfortunately for SU’s 1-6 softball team, even a cabinet’s worth of Viagra might not help the team’s unimposing bats straighten out.’

Next day, I saw softball coach Mary Jo Firnbach. In one hand, she brandished a photocopy of my article; in the other hand, she held a highlighter. Calmly, she pointed out the unsatisfactory elements of my prose. By the time she finished, as I recall, the whole page was neon.

That said, I don’t really blame athletes who wish sportswriters would just disintegrate. But I appreciate those who help us out. For what he lacks in color, SU Director of Athletics Jake Crouthamel makes up in accessibility – I’d be surprised if another AD in the country is so willing to speak with the student media.

Men’s basketball assistants Troy Weaver and Mike Hopkins have very hectic lives – the SU football team needs an annual bowl appearance just to finance their cell phone bills – but both always take time out to chat courteously.

Syracuse tennis coach Mac Gifford is the Hill’s most intrepid interlocutor, and often its most gracious. He once offered a young D.O. reporter a ride back to campus from Drumlins but not without first stopping at Peter’s for his morning coffee.

Players come and go, just like the odious hacks who cover them, but I have some favorites. I’ve never met a nicer person than Fran Amasia, now two years removed from her Rudyian role on the Syracuse women’s lacrosse team.

Charismatic cornerback Will Hunter, a senior on last year’s football team, gave smiles, at once, to the writers who covered him and the wide receivers who were not covered by him.

Ryan Hall, a steely defender on the men’s soccer team, once lost all motion in his right arm after a series of violent in-game collisions. I asked him about the injury later on. ‘It felt as if – let me think of something good for you here; hold on for a second,’ Hall said. I was witnessing the unthinkable: an athlete calling a timeout to concoct a simile. ‘OK, let’s try this … It felt as if someone just took my arm and snapped it over their knee.’ That worked for me.

Former SU swimmer Djordje Filipovic gets the award – don’t worry NCAA, it’s not cash … actually, nothing more than this measly sentence – for his patience with student journalists. Two years ago, a D.O. photographer asked Filipovic to meet her at the Newhouse labs for a photo shoot. Problem was, the labs were locked, and Filipovic had trundled cross-campus wearing nothing but a Speedo.

Oops.

So now, as I transition from muse to mute, a final thanks is owed. Thanks for reading. Thanks for helping. Thanks for handling the stupid questions. All of you – even you, Coach Parker – you’re all top dogs.

Chico Harlan is a staff writer for The Daily Orange, where his columns will no longer appear regularly. E-mail him at apharlan@syr.edu.

Published on December 2, 2003 at 12:00 pm